David Cameron, Werewolf Pacifier

Anyone watching television in the UK over the past few weeks can hardly have failed to have seen trailers for the soon-to-be-released movie, “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”. Apparently the life of Abraham Lincoln was simply not interesting enough, and had to be augmented with vampires in order to make it to the big screen.

From the Amazon.com review of the book that inspired the movie:

Indiana, 1818. Moonlight falls through the dense woods that surround a one-room cabin, where a nine-year-old Abraham Lincoln kneels at his suffering mother’s bedside. She’s been stricken with something the old-timers call “Milk Sickness.”

“My baby boy…” she whispers before dying.

Only later will the grieving Abe learn that his mother’s fatal affliction was actually the work of a vampire.

When the truth becomes known to young Lincoln, he writes in his journal, “henceforth my life shall be one of rigorous study and devotion. I shall become a master of mind and body. And this mastery shall have but one purpose…” Gifted with his legendary height, strength, and skill with an ax, Abe sets out on a path of vengeance that will lead him all the way to the White House.

While Abraham Lincoln is widely lauded for saving a Union and freeing millions of slaves, his valiant fight against the forces of the undead has remained in the shadows for hundreds of years. That is, until Seth Grahame-Smith stumbled upon The Secret Journal of Abraham Lincoln, and became the first living person to lay eyes on it in more than 140 years.

Using the journal as his guide and writing in the grand biographical style of Doris Kearns Goodwin and David McCullough, Seth has reconstructed the true life story of our greatest president for the first time-all while revealing the hidden history behind the Civil War and uncovering the role vampires played in the birth, growth, and near-death of our nation.

This witty article from Slate.com treats the movie with the contempt that it deserves, and imagines the paranormal or superhuman feats of other past US presidents.

Chester A. Arthur becomes a “Sasquatch Assassin”.

Grover Cleveland becomes a time warrior.

Andrew Jackson takes on a Ridley Scott-style alien in a boxing ring.

This led me to wonder – what dark but noble feats would lurk in the past of alternate universe David Cameron?

Advertisements