On Table Etiquette

I have never understood the American method of eating using cutlery, that long, drawn-out, fastidious process of holding the fork in the left hand while cutting the food, then putting down the knife and transferring the fork to the right hand to bring the food to the mouth. So affected, so inefficient.

Turns out (surprise, surprise) that it was a European custom, imported from France at some point during the 18th century, and unquestioningly adopted by Americans as a sign of great sophistication.

Just keep holding it with the left hand!
Just keep holding it with the left hand!

Slate magazine explains:

The cut-and-switch—like imperial units of measurement—counts among those European castaways that became Americanisms only when Europe itself changed. Today, the cut-and-switch is the equivalent of a mouthful of glittering white teeth, a calf-ful of glittering white sock, or a request for half-and-half—an absolute clincher that you stand in the company of a fellow lover of freedom. Jeanette Martin, the co-author of Global Business Etiquette, couldn’t think of another major country that fork-swaps. Even among Canadians, some zig-zag, but “Continental predominates.”

Well. We’ve had our fun. And now it’s time to stop. Americans prize efficiency—especially when it comes to food. Sure, a cut-and-switch partisan might argue that Americans already eat fast enough—whether we’re talking about actual fast food, practically predigested squeezable pouches and energy bars, or our enthusiastic and all but unique embrace of eating while walking and driving; you could argue that the cut-and-switch is just the kind of gastronomic speed bump we need more of. But what if we spend so little time at the table because we find fork-swapping so tedious?

Indeed. Although Britons are hardly in a position to talk, with their ludicrously inefficient use of the fork, tines pointing down:

Many Europeans stubbornly deploy their forks tines down—either as a spear, or, if the food isn’t stab-able, as a surface on which to awkwardly pile or smoosh food (awkward piling is particularly English—“How many peas can dance on the back of a fork?” asks Kate Fox, in Watching the English). But the pragmatic Americans who’ve abandoned the cut-and-switch almost always use the fork tines-up—i.e., as an efficient shovel—whenever it’s convenient to do so.

A shovel, there you go. Much more efficient.

More observations on British-American differences from Semi-Partisan Sam can be found here.

Best Thing Of The Day

As Commander Chris Hadfield, a Canadian astronaut serving aboard the International Space Station, prepared to leave space and return to Earth – quite possibly for the final time – he released this excellent cover of David Bowie’s “Space Oddity”, featuring vocals and guitar which he recorded while floating in zero gravity on board the ISS:

 

As Andrew Sullivan says, not a bad voice for an astronaut.

Best Thing Of The Day.

Has It Come To This?

Yes, it has.

How did we come to lose water? I’m not entirely sure. One minute our downstairs neighbour was doing some DIY, very lustily with a loud drill, and the next moment a fire engine pulled up outside the building, lights flashing and alarms blazing, some firemen hopped out, and they spent ages fiddling around with the water supply under the street. After an hour or so they drove off, and I went to brush my teeth. But nothing came out of the tap. That was two days ago.

I’m clearly no American “Patriot” worth his salt. I had no stored water, survival straws or water de-fluoridatisation filter system. And after two days with no potable water in the apartment, something needed be done. I had long since swung into action.

Various trucks and vans came and went, day and night. Thames Water. Camden Council. The black helicopters…

I talked to the plumber from Camden Council (who are responsible for the utilities in our part of London) when he came back this afternoon, and he was very courteous and personable, but he said that although the problem has apparently now been fixed (save a massive gaping hole in the street) he needed the agreement of everyone in the building – all six households – before he could turn the supply back on.

In case one of us had left our taps on and left the building, never to return, thereby potentially causing a flood.

Problem is, only myself and one of the other apartment owners are home. The rest are away. Probably because it’s a bank holiday weekend.

I’m not sure how often this happens in real life, if at all – that people lose water pressure and then turn all of their taps on full blast before sauntering away without a care in the world to leave their homes to flood – but it apparently the horrific prospect of this very specific eventuality caused the plumber’s remote manager at Camden Council HQ to make him stand down and leave without reactivating our water supply. He is supposedly coming back at 7pm, when he will reconsider his decision to deny us the life-giving gift of water.

But I’m supposed to be going out to meet friends, and I won’t be here to talk to the plumber when he comes back, or to remonstrate with the remote, faceless managers at Camden Council over the telephone.

So some proper British passive-aggressivism was obviously required.

Strongly Worded Letter
Strongly Worded Letter
Seriously, come on…
Because digging a big hole in the street outside our apartment building and then driving away again doesn’t really fix the ultimate problem.
Although maybe if I pour enough bottled water down into this abyss, I will be able to flush my toilet one more time...
Although maybe if I pour enough bottled water down into this abyss, I will be able to flush my toilet one more time…

There, that should do the trick.

Best Thing Of The Day

The satirical newspaper and website The Onion can be somewhat hit-and-miss these days, but the other day they posted one of their best articles in years. In terms of sheer whimsy and surrealism, I don’t think it can be beaten, at least not since the hilarious George W. Bush pieces that they posted in the waxing days of his presidency.

In their latest piece, The Onion report that Secretary of the Interior, Sally Jewell, has been sworn in as the nation’s first female, and 45th president of the United States, after President Obama, Joe Biden and the next six in line to the presidency were killed in a tragic hot air balloon disaster.

I quote at length:

WASHINGTON—Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell was sworn in today as the 45th president of the United States, reciting the oath of office in a brief ceremony at the White House and expressing her continued disbelief that the president, vice president, House speaker, president pro tempore of the Senate, Secretary of State, Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of Defense, and attorney general were all in that hot-air balloon together.

Speaking to citizens in a short inaugural address, Jewell, a 57-year-old Seattle businesswoman who was confirmed as Interior Secretary less than three weeks ago, acknowledged the challenges ahead for the nation and noted how “really quite strange” it was that Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John Boehner, Patrick Leahy, John Kerry, Jacob Lew, Chuck Hagel, and Eric Holder mutually agreed to take the day off and rent a hot-air balloon for the afternoon.

“It is with both humility and gratitude that I assume this office, while extending my deepest condolences to the families of Barack Obama and the seven government officials directly before me in the presidential line of succession, who, for reasons that still aren’t entirely clear, decided to drive together to a fairground outside Washington and take a two-hour hot-air balloon tour of the Virginia countryside,” Jewell said in her speech, delivered less than a day after the country’s top politicians reportedly agreed on a whim that a communal balloon ride would be “a lot of fun.” “I never expected to be in this position, especially not under circumstances in which our nation’s highest leaders died on the same day in an accident involving a hot-air balloon, which, for some reason, all eight of them willingly piled into even though it was clearly posted that the maximum occupancy was four. You have to admit, it’s very bizarre.”

The Onion's Fictitious Hot Air Balloon Disaster
The Onion’s Fictitious Hot Air Balloon Disaster

And what a great feat of photoshopping too. The article continues:

According to Jewell, adding to her bewilderment was the fact that the men were neither barred from the outing nor even moderately discouraged by aides or Secret Service agents. Rather, reports indicate that members of the officials’ security details simply smiled and happily waved to the two highest officeholders of the executive branch, the two leading figures in Congress, and four top cabinet members as they crowded into the balloon’s basket and began to ascend.

“What’s particularly odd is that these officials weren’t even ordered into the balloon by President Obama; it was Chuck Hagel’s idea, and everyone else readily went along with it of their own will,” said President Jewell in front of framed portraits of the deceased men. “And given that the president and vice president aren’t even allowed to fly in the same plane for safety reasons, it’s truly shocking that, instead of reconsidering their actions when John Kerry had a brief moment of trepidation before stepping aboard, they all just said, ‘It’s fine! You’re going to love it!’”

“And the next thing you know, there they are, rising to 500 feet in that cramped, bulging basket, smiling and laughing without a concern in the world,” Jewell added. “Looking at it now, it all seems incredibly foolhardy, if not almost entirely improbable.”

This stuff is just priceless. The Onion and The Daily Mash continue to be two of the best, most amusing websites in existence today.

Music For The Day

O Magnum Mysterium, by Morten Lauridsen, sung by the choir of Westminster Cathedral at midnight mass, 2009.

 
O magnum mysterium,
et admirabile sacramentum,
ut animalia viderent Dominum natum,
jacentem in praesepio!
Beata Virgo, cujus viscera
meruerunt portare
Dominum Christum.
Alleluia.